Tuesday, May 4, 2010

All my single ladies

Austin seems to always rank highest in opportunities for those in the dating world. Most recently, Lemondrop, an AOL lifestyle blog, has rated Austin #1 city for single women -- I would agree in the sense that I have been single in my entire Austin habitation, but that is not quite what they mean.

To quote the article, Austin's median age is 29, which is good, of course, for those 20-somethings looking for a mate, but stating that "35 percent of the population is single and looking" does not necessarily mean that these contestants are exactly savory.
I have come across a number of exemplary opposite-of-savory men in my time here, not to say that there are no good, clean, compatible dudes out there for the single girls out there -- I'm just saying that you'll probably hit four losers with that stone before you get one good one.

Thus, in the Liz Lemon style, I have decided to come up with a number of "dealbreakers" I have come across in Austin that every woman should be aware of... and probably already is (making this blog a moot point).

Deal breakers.
In no particular order, but kind of, but not really.
10. Doesn't take you out. I mean that in a couple of ways. First of all, it is obvious when you are booty-call material rather than girlfriend, when the dude only calls to hang out late at night and doesn't want to continue to when the day rolls around. But also important, if a guy is courting you and you are picking his ass up, whether he just doesn't have a car or is an avid biker, that's just a no-no. I understand it is economical and environmental to go by bike, but you've got to be kidding if you expect somebody to haul your ass around everywhere and take herself & you out on dates.
9. Never offers to buy a drink. I am not old-fashioned by any means. In fact, I'm sort of a feminist in many ways; my closest friends could verify this. However, if you don't even offer to buy a drink, when you are trying to woo me, you automatically look cheap and selfish. I don't care if a guy has a lot of money, but if he won't even spare a few dollars on me, he probably won't want to spare his precious time, either. In fact, if you offer to buy me drinks, I will likely end up buying your next round.
8. Afraid of a little P.D.A. I hate PDA as much as the next girl, but being gross and kissing in public is not what I mean by this. If a guy doesn't like to look "coupled" off with you, he is probably trying to keep himself available looking for the next hot girl he sees.
7. A disgusting place. I don't just mean messy, because most people's places are oft to get a little disoriented as our lives get hectic. If a guy leaves things like porn out in the open, underwear all over the floor, has no dishes clean ever, it is not a very welcome environment to guests -- which reflects poorly on his own openness.
6. No ambition. I understand that we are in an economic rut, at the moment, but if a dude seemingly has no job, isn't in school, and isn't trying, he is probably just a loser. If there's a will, there's a way.
5. Drugs and drinks like a fish. We are all young and like to have a good time, but there is bold line between what's "fun" and what's just plain gross. If a dude is drunk more than he isn't, he's an alcoholic. If he's doing blow, well, he's just not very smart. Hedonism is never a good start to a relationship of any sort.
4. Boys Only club. If your potential mate does not seem to be inviting you to his outings with his friends, not just boys, of course, girls included, he is probably avoiding having you bond with them -- thus sees you as temporary. If somebody is actually interested in you, they will probably want you to meet the people in their lives.
3. Dating past is painted on walls. If you know at least three girls they've dated, that's probably a bad sign. If they've dated that roommate and that other roommate, and her sister, etc. etc. yeah... you get it. Austin is full of incest to a ridiculous point. Who wants to date somebody they've already heard all the dirty deets about via their best friend?
2. Liar, Liar. Anytime everybody tells you one thing and he tells you the opposite, he's probably lying to you. Men, as all creatures, can have sociopathic tendencies -- once they start pulling that crap on you, it ought to be finito.
1. Unresponsive. If you ever find yourself asking, why doesn't he ever ask you to hang out, why doesn't he respond to your texts -- why are you wasting your time? If someone wants you, they'll make it happen.

(Of course all of the male gender pronouns can be replaced with female, these rules are quite universal for all genders and sexualities -- I was just fitting them to my standards)


Love said...

It couldn't hurt to mention that you should also not date someone who has got extra limbs or likes to eat glass or writes for Love Survives the Bomb.

Tiffany Diane said...

You're right Love Survives the Bomb -- those are also not great qualities, although somebody who makes witty/cute comics is good in my book.

Red River Noise said...

"I hate PDA as much as the next girl." Really? Every girl I've ever dated liked holding hands and the occasional public kiss. Then again, I don't date insecure hipsters.

Tiffany Diane said...

PDA to me means grotesque make out sessions and getting way to hot and heavy in public. I would think that my snippet on "PDA" would infer that showing that you are together (as in holding hands or an occasional kiss) is just fine. Thanks for the insult though!

Kathleen Tso said...

who the fuck is red river noise

Tiffany Diane said...

Evidently some douche mover.

Kristine said...

Red River Noise is a hot Austin publication that has been around since November 2009 and has a grand total of 21 profile views -- the last two being me

j.f. said...

I am kind of late on this, but i've been away and I'm not single, duh... I know many of my friends are and I would love to re-post this on the drop. If you can think of an angle to make it a full article it can def. be on bleach.
Great job!
Love you tiff!

Tiffany Diane said...

Oh definitely lady, just give me your ideas and I'll be on it.

Anonymous said...

i love this so much, i posted a link on my own blog, i hope you don't mind! every austin girl could use this advice! <3

Austin Eavesdropper said...

I'm not single but I LOVE this list, dollface. Preach, sister! Especially the part about no ambition - that is a HUGE deal-breaker for me, and always has been. I want a fellow schemer. And fortunately, I found one. :)

Just wanted to say too that I love your little blog these days. I'm really enjoying this fashion direction, and all the Q&A's you're doing. You are my girl-about-town crush.

And...happy graduation!!!

Red River Noise said...

We totally apologize for whoever left that rude comment as Red River Noise two years ago. One of our writers mentioned it recently and I didn't believe them, til I saw it. Wow! Sorry for the douchery. <3